So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
