i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
