I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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