I just cut my nipple shaving
he thought i was a dude.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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