DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i came on her dog
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.