Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
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there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
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If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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