here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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