I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
