I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
