It's like a parade of train wrecks.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
