just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
