ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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