I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
