He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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