Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
