but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Randomize
