just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
