No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
