Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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