new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
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