hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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