Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
