you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
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Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
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I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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