I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
he fucked my hip out of place.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
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