I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
