i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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