I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
