I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
