so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
