i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
