I got chris browned last night
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
either way he was missing a nipple.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
