I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
