This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Farmville is her only friend.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
