I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
