i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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