Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
All the doctor said was why
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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