You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
