saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
