i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
