i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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