If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
