I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
