I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
