Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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