I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
