Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
