This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
