i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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