I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
