FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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