Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
