3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
