i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
