I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
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the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
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it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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