A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
